Last week a packet arrived through courier and inside there were some memories and a page full of darkness. Though I packed them back in the face of mounting tasks in hand – the weekend revived them – and it broke down the walls – and the chain of thoughts came marching back. It was the same wall that came up a few times before, the same chain of thought that were somehow closed a few times before. Like that half-read book, so complex that you couldn’t comprehend, and kept it on the top most shelf, for – “until later”. The letter in the packet brought back the “later”.
I am very well aware of the perils of being the ERO – Eternal Romantic Optimist, blabbered about it so many times. And every-time went head first rushing towards the same path, in search of that illusive feeling. And every time, found that I had it, but not what I went for. And I kept wondering, will there be a time, when I will try my best to love and NOT find that I have only delivered pain instead? Will there be a person that will think of love and romance the same way I look at it?
The twins of third zodiac inside started their debate –
“Do you still need a reason to be convinced that the way you think is wrong? Can’t you see – it is after all falling in love and not your so-called rising in love”
“But then how come every time I started feeling love, I found myself liberated? That’s why I kept giving more – without ever wanting anything back.”
“The world is not a fool like you; they know it runs in the give n take policy. You give some – you get some”
“So love too is another form of business?”
“Not business silly – way of living!”
“But even they too liked it when I kept on giving them – then why did they choose to imprison? They themselves taught me in their own way what a soul mate is, yet they didn’t understand who they were connecting to?”
“Ho – ho – ho… did you forget what they said? You are a pretty articulate actor. You always created the aura that made them dream about the fictional hypothesis called soul mate. Down in your heart, you knew very well, that they had absolute no idea how and what you were feeling. Even then you kept on complaining to me that you were in pain. You just wanted to conquer them and so you made them dream about all they wanted to dream. The great womanizer simply lured its prey. You kept giving to form the habit in them and then at the right moment slipped away, knowing that it will put them in pain”
“Nooooo – not at all. I did try that too. I offered readily to get into that prison and tried keep giving, and saw the result too. Didn’t I tell each one of them, that how I hate to be imprisoned? Didn’t I tell them clearly that I am not to be “possessed”? Didn’t THEY tell me at the beginning that they too won’t be able to give anything more and I agreed? Then why did they ‘choose’ to start possessing? And then retract themselves?”
“So you are once again trying to fool yourself and everyone around that you are a saint eh? When you yourself know how much you have hurt each of them. How bad you left them to fend for themselves, when you promised to be there, always?”
“I am there – always, it’s just that they want someone else they thought I am. The “me” who told them that I will be there always – WILL be there always. Will love them always, it’s just that every time they stung, I involuntarily retracted back like a mollusk inside the shell. Every time the wall grew stronger than before. Every time it takes greater force for me to break those walls, come out, and live again.”
“Oh come on, you know you can’t keep your hands off them. You would probably be with someone, even before this it’s read by someone else.”
“Hmmm – may be yes; Coz can’t let anyone see what’s inside. SO I need an outside that will draw their attention away from this gangrened stub called soul.”
“Listen to me and stop running for romance and love – just be happy with what you get and try to live out this life”
“Live out? How can I live out the life without the very thing I know to be life? Yeah may be I just need to make sure that I don’t hand out another consignment of pain and darkness. I have got used to it myself, so just need to keep them to me. And see? It’s the pain that made me write once again – isn’t it? May be that’s the answer – pain is what romance all about. May be that’s the reason the saints chose the way of pain to emancipate the soul. And if that’s true then so be it. Will keep looking for romance and love. But surely will keep praying that all the pain I gave to them, are taken always from them and given back to me. I know I can handle them and I know it will lead me to peace.”
So I once again put a last glance back – maybe someday, somewhere, they all will find what they came looking for, while I keep walking in my search. The phoenix will rise again one day, as usual; it’s not in its fate to die.